He said/ She said/ I heard

Do you ever say something that sounds stupid when you say it? That has happened a lot lately. Not what I said but what someone else said to me. For instance, the other day I was at Ace Hardware and the guy there said to me, "So, Jay is no more, huh?" How wierd was that! Maybe he meant that Jay has no more pain, no more stress, no more worries, no more ugly toe nails. Or, there was the guy that said about Jay's accident, "Wow, that really sucks." Yes it does. It sucks the tears right out of me. I guess it does really suck. But what a wierd thing to say. Then, there was someone who said "I'm sorry you lost your husband." Well, I didn't lose him. I know exactly where he is. You can't lose something if you know where it is, right? Someone else said "You must feel so alone." Nope, I've never felt so NOT alone. I have awesome family and friends that will not leave me alone. God will never leave me alone. I feel like Jay is still here with us. We just can't see him or touch him but we are not alone. Lot's of people say " If there is anything we can do, please let us help." What I heard them say is "we love you." I like how that sounds :)

This is Kinzie's new dress that Great Granny crocheted for her. Kinzie is going to have her first birthday soon. I think she should have a princess party, don't you?

This is my Connor. He was sitting with me at the baseball game. He was looking really serious.

Caleb wanted to say hi to you. He stayed home with us today cuz he wasn't feeling good. But he sure is cute.

Shopping and praying!

As you know, Mindy is getting married in August. Not that I am in any hurry to buy a MOM dress, but I was looking the other day. I was with a friend and she insisted that I try one on. Well, one lead to another and another. It was so not fun. I was in the dressing room in my mis-matched underwear and unshaven white legs. I had calf length white socks and chub rolls everywhere. That is when my cell phone rang. It was my son. I answered it. He was telling me a very long story. All the while I was standing there with mirrors everywhere. It was the ugliest sight. Needless to say I did not buy a dress that day. I did decide tho, that tan fat looks slightly better than just plain white fat. So on Monday I went to the tanning bed. I started out at only five minutes:) What I did find out is that in those 5 minutes it is so bright and warm and peaceful. It is the perfect time to talk to Jay. I tell him how very much I miss him and need him here. Then I talk to God. I ask Him to never leave me. I need strength. I need courage. I need to face each days new challenges with confidence. I ask him to protect us and guide us. And help us to do all these things with a smile on our face. The last thing we need is a crabby mom helping us move forward. It's weird how much can be said in 5 minutes. But with tears running down my face and a smile, I come out of there knowing that I can get thru this day and all the days to come.

Way too busy.

Man O Man O Man!!! We have been so busy around here. I don't have any pictures to show you or any adventures to tell you about. Just that I have been thinking about you all and wishing for some sunshine and free time to spend doing something fun. Besides baseball games , Taylor is being confirmed next week at church. That has kept us busy. And then there is the company. It has slowed down but we continue to have quite a few every day or so. Yesterday I fixed dinner for all my kids (that's just what we do on Sunday). Then we invited Stacy's inlaws. And then my brother and his wife and kids came. Then my nephew and his girlfriend and her cousin came. Then Jay's cousin from Eugene and his wife and two cute daughters dropped by. It was a house full but it was fun. Tonight it is just Mindy and Louis, Taylor and Casey and Cody and me. Kinda boring. I think I will go to bed and read a little bit.
First I wanted to tell you about something. As you know we have set up a memorial account in Jay's name. People have been sending donations in to it thru Washington Mutual. The money will be used for scholarships for kids both for academics and sports. Jay would have liked that. I was reading something last night that said: If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help a young person succeed. I know that is what made Jay happy.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in love at first sight. I met Jay when I was a freshman in highschool. I lived forty-five miles from the highschool and it was the first day of volleyball practice. We had just got finished with practice and the football team was finishing practice also. There he was. The hottest guy I ever saw. He looked at me and smiled and it was love from then on. That was so long ago. We dated all thru highschool. We even shared the same birthday. This year we would be married 30 years. We have had so much fun and such good memories. I have decided to make my own rules and I say that we will still be married in Heaven. Even if I don't get there for a while, I want to be the same age as now. I don't want him to stay the same and me to get old.

I found a poem yesterday at a yard sale of all places. It was kinda wierd that it was there. Almost as if it was meant for me to see. It said. How long will we have together, to share a loving touch, a warm soft smile? Only the passing of days, weeks, or perhaps years will give me the answer I'm not looking for. In knowing you I'll take what I know, share something new, grow some more. I'll offer you the same, something new, a little more. Our sharing will be an exchange of gifts, permitted by desire and not forgotten through time. And if, as seasons pass, I see you no more, I'll not ask why or become dismayed. I'll be content with what we shared, with what you gave. Strengthened and free, your gifts have nourished me, I've become a better person, I hope I've left you the same. Keeping your gifts, forever free, they will remain gently within, a special part of me.
I really feel that way. I think he made me a better person and I did him as well. I really do thank God everyday for the awesome time that He gave us together. And I know that this is just temporary and we will be together again some day. Some people don't get to experience that kind of love even for a little while and we were able to have it for thirthy some years. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I have been blessed.