Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Shopping and praying!

As you know, Mindy is getting married in August. Not that I am in any hurry to buy a MOM dress, but I was looking the other day. I was with a friend and she insisted that I try one on. Well, one lead to another and another. It was so not fun. I was in the dressing room in my mis-matched underwear and unshaven white legs. I had calf length white socks and chub rolls everywhere. That is when my cell phone rang. It was my son. I answered it. He was telling me a very long story. All the while I was standing there with mirrors everywhere. It was the ugliest sight. Needless to say I did not buy a dress that day. I did decide tho, that tan fat looks slightly better than just plain white fat. So on Monday I went to the tanning bed. I started out at only five minutes:) What I did find out is that in those 5 minutes it is so bright and warm and peaceful. It is the perfect time to talk to Jay. I tell him how very much I miss him and need him here. Then I talk to God. I ask Him to never leave me. I need strength. I need courage. I need to face each days new challenges with confidence. I ask him to protect us and guide us. And help us to do all these things with a smile on our face. The last thing we need is a crabby mom helping us move forward. It's weird how much can be said in 5 minutes. But with tears running down my face and a smile, I come out of there knowing that I can get thru this day and all the days to come.


Auntie Joy said...

Hang in there Pam, it is so hard to be the mom and deal with everybody's everything... not to mention your own white white skin. you should have closed your eyes while you were on the phone...
I want you to know, I feel your pain.
You are right, with God's help you will get through these days.
Love you!

cowgirljenny said...

Tan fat looks better than white fat? I need to make a tanning appointment!!! On a serious note...Pam you amaze me. You are the strongest person I know. Your family is very lucky to have you. I am sure Jay is sooo very proud of you, but then he was married to you for 30 years, he knew how strong you were so I'm sure he is not surprised. I can't say I know how you are feeling, I can only imagine. I do know that I want to help you make new fun memories to go along with the amazing ones from the past. I think it's great you are able to talk to both Jay and God in the tanning bed. I do most of my talking to god while I am riding my horse on the mountain moving cows. If someone was hiding behind a tree up there he would think I had lost it. Ha! I do know I would have never made it through my illness without God so I pray everyday he is with you and carries you when times are the worst. Listen to me all sappy. sorry. I think and pray for you everyday. I love you all. Hope you can come to branding. Love, Jenny

BittersweetPunkin said...

You made me laugh! I thought I was the only one who wore mismatched underwear...gosh it's been years since my bra and undies were even in the same color family forget the same fabric content....

I have a great trick for hiding those rolls...stand works for me every time!

Sounds like you are doing better...the wedding will be bittersweet and such a Blessing I am sure. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You have lift me up reading your blog. You are so STRONG! I am so glad you and Jay had a wonderful life together. God will continue blessing you and your children. I am so glad that I know someone who talk to God and your loved one in any places you are most needed. My prayers are with you and your family daily. "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthen me" Phillippians 4:13 Will be visiting your blog..Take care and God bless you.

Teresa Is Awesome! said...

Are underwear and bras suppose to match? I need to spend more money. Ha Ha. About the tan legs, it does make you look thinner why do you think I live in California! You are such as strong person and I'm glad you found a peaceful place to communicate with Jay. Missing you and love you Teresa

Stephanie said...

Ok, so first of all...... your not fat ! You are withering to nothing, your pants are "baggin on ya man"!!

I do agree with tanning tho, thats why I do it, I think it totally camoflages my fat, well thats what my story is anyways!!

Also, Im so glad you have found a nice quiet place to talk to Jay. I know he is listening to you because your strength shows it. He is giving you love, strength and will-power everyday. God's love for all of you shines too.
You are a totally amazing person and have a huge amazing family. With this, you will be okay.
Times will be hard, but because of your beliefs, you will be alright :)

Im always thinking about you and pray for all of you everyday.I thank God for our friendship and hope I can give you some sunshine to help you through this .
Love Stephanie

Auntie Kathy said...

Pam, I finally got smart enough to write a comment. I am so proud of you and your faith in God. Sorry I missed you last weekend, but as you know, grandkids come first. I know you are having a lot of company, but sometimes I think that is what keeps us going after such a tragedy. I hear you and Lisa and Stacy are going to Mexico. Maybe you won't have to go tanning anymore. The sun should be nice and warm.

Love you Auntie Kathy