I am feeling the blues. I think it is partly because we were so busy with tree harvest and now there is not much going on. Mostly tho, it is because I miss Jay with every breath I take. This is the first time in over 20 years that we haven't gone home for Christmas. It feels weird. I already miss going to Grandma's house for Christmas eve. I have never not been there. I will miss all the good food, the funny gift exchange and being with family. I will miss not being at Jay's mom and dad's house. They too will be alone this Christmas. Even tho I have all my kids here with me, I feel alone. Christmas shopping isn't so much fun. Stuff is just stuff. Jay would love to get things for the little ones. If he was here I'm sure that he would be in the hot tub with the little boys while it was snowing outside. They would probably come in and get the juicer out and make carrot juice. The boys thought that was fun. They didn't like to drink it but they liked to help him make it. He would love to see his little Kenzi dance around singing "I like to move it, move it." He would eat her up, she is so cute. He would be 4 wheeling with the big boys. He would be plowing the snow for the neighbors, or having a snowball fight with the kids. Maybe he would be making a snowman with Connor and Caleb. He would always put the carrot in the wrong place:) He would come in and put his ice cold hands on my back. If he was here he would dance around the kitchen like a goof and eat all the cookie dough. He would ask me if I wanted to go see a movie even if it was already 9 o'clock at night. Everything was just more fun with him. Now I feel restless and bored. Even tho I want to go home for Christmas, I also want to be here. This is where I feel closest to him. I don't want to leave him alone. I think maybe tomorrow I will make a snowman with the little guys, and then get in the hot tub for a while. After church tomorrow night I think we should go look at all the pretty lights. Maybe we should make oatmeal cookie dough and eat it instead of bake it. Maybe we could sit around and watch "Trinity." (he must have watched that movie a million times) And we could eat uncooked pasta and dill pickles and drink carrot juice. I think tonight I will sleep on his side of the bed. And I will pray and thank God for all the great times we had together.