Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Feeling the blues

I am feeling the blues. I think it is partly because we were so busy with tree harvest and now there is not much going on. Mostly tho, it is because I miss Jay with every breath I take. This is the first time in over 20 years that we haven't gone home for Christmas. It feels weird. I already miss going to Grandma's house for Christmas eve. I have never not been there. I will miss all the good food, the funny gift exchange and being with family. I will miss not being at Jay's mom and dad's house. They too will be alone this Christmas. Even tho I have all my kids here with me, I feel alone. Christmas shopping isn't so much fun. Stuff is just stuff. Jay would love to get things for the little ones. If he was here I'm sure that he would be in the hot tub with the little boys while it was snowing outside. They would probably come in and get the juicer out and make carrot juice. The boys thought that was fun. They didn't like to drink it but they liked to help him make it. He would love to see his little Kenzi dance around singing "I like to move it, move it." He would eat her up, she is so cute. He would be 4 wheeling with the big boys. He would be plowing the snow for the neighbors, or having a snowball fight with the kids. Maybe he would be making a snowman with Connor and Caleb. He would always put the carrot in the wrong place:) He would come in and put his ice cold hands on my back. If he was here he would dance around the kitchen like a goof and eat all the cookie dough. He would ask me if I wanted to go see a movie even if it was already 9 o'clock at night. Everything was just more fun with him. Now I feel restless and bored. Even tho I want to go home for Christmas, I also want to be here. This is where I feel closest to him. I don't want to leave him alone. I think maybe tomorrow I will make a snowman with the little guys, and then get in the hot tub for a while. After church tomorrow night I think we should go look at all the pretty lights. Maybe we should make oatmeal cookie dough and eat it instead of bake it. Maybe we could sit around and watch "Trinity." (he must have watched that movie a million times) And we could eat uncooked pasta and dill pickles and drink carrot juice. I think tonight I will sleep on his side of the bed. And I will pray and thank God for all the great times we had together.


Sharon said...

Oh Pam, this is just so beautiful. Your love for him so pure and amazing. I love it. I am so, so, so sorry that you are alone and you are missing him. He sounds like such a wonderful man. I am so sorry that you can't be with your extended family for Christmas. It makes me wonder if this is part of God's plan to help you in your grief to hit it square on. I don't know. I just pray that you will have a wonderful day.

Hearing all those little things you remember and love about your husband makes me really appreciate those things in mine. Some of the things that kidn of bug me would probably be the things I would miss about him. I think I will hug him a little closer tonight.

It is so sweet that you want to sleep on his side of the bed. I think you are very brave and very strong. You seem to be doing amazingly well to me.

Here is a big hug for you.

Merry Christmas!


Maison Douce said...

Pam, I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through... Your love for Jay is so pure and sweet, it really brings tears to my eyes to know how much you miss him!! I love that you are keeping his little holiday traditions alive, what best way to show the strength of your love and the everpresent spirit that is Jay's legacy!! Sending you a big virtual hug!!!

BittersweetPunkin said...

I know this has been a tough time for you...I couldn't imagine how you are feeling right now... during this time of year when we want to be surrounded with loved ones and traditions. I think he would really like it to see you doing the things that he enjoyed...and I think you would find a lot of joy doing those things as well. It could quite possibly bring you close to him and give you a sense of his presence.Gosh..I wish I could give you a Hug.

Connie said...

Sharon sent me over and I now have huge tears streaming down my face, sweetpea. I cannot even imagine your pain at the loss of your sweet man. I don't want to even try to tell you how to cheer up but I DO know you'll see him again, my little chickee. Of that I have absolutely no doubt.

Maybe you'd like to come over and visit my blog this day to read my thoughts on Christmas and perhaps get a chuckle. I grieve for you and with you in being alone this year. I'll pray that you can endure it because that's all I can do.

Smooches and hugs from a chick who has been married to the love of my life for almost 48 years.......


NanaBanana said...

Hi Missy.......I love you. Steve and I went to Vegas to spend Christmas and get away since we have no kiddos visiting, well we ended up coming home yesterday to be home for Christmas not sure why but now I know there is no place like home and we will be alone together and talk tomorrow. Throw a snow ball for me k and give those monkeys a hug for us. And sleep on Jay's side of the bed it will make him closer.

nannykim said...

I am glad you have such wonderful memories. I have often thought about how strange life is....it passes so quickly, and because of eternity I sometimes feel as though this life is such a quick speck in time. I often feel so united with Christians that have gone on and are in another realm--when I walk through cemetaries where loving friends are buried it gives me a whole different feeling about this life I am living on earth. Living is amazing because the realities of this life are so much deeper than what we see and feel. There is a realm we don't see with the physical eye and a glory in all that we have in Christ. I pray God would give you great comfort of heart.

Kathi said...

Pam, Sharon sent me over, but I forgot the name of your blog. I was about to ask her again, when you wrote. I am so so sorry for you loss of a wonderful dear husband. Your love for him is so evident. Remembering all the little tender things about him and treasuring each thing is so precious. I will pray that you find comfort and that God will continue healing you. Thank you for writing to me today. I will keep you in my prayers. Gentle hug from Kathi